the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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