I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
