I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
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