You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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