real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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