Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
