I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
