I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
