Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Randomize
