I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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