i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
