You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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