she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
