If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Help me help you realize you are a moron
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
