party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
