Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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