Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
