i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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