They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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