Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
