Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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