I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
