Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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