everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
