so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
