I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
