ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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