You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
