Who wears a wallet chain?!
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
