Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I need a burrito and a hug.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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