the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
