Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Randomize
