is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
