he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
