laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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