I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
