Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
