i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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