Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
