I'm going to jail i love you
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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