I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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