I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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