I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
