yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
