brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
