its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
