Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Randomize
