Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
this will be a night to untag.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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