I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
