Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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