and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize