Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
