How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
