I wish my penis had an off switch
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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