Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
