hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I think I sprained my soul last night
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize