Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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