What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
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