There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
