You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
