Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
