I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
