I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
