i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
