Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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