I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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