Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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