The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
We were destined to go to rehab together
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
