my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
