he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
